A Forever Kind of Slumber

A room full of mirrors

And I see you

Everywhere

A whisper of my name, amplified

And I hear you

Everywhere

A brief caress of my face

And I feel you

Everywhere

The slightest of all kisses

And I taste you

Everywhere

A slight breeze carries your scent

And I smell you

Everywhere

I have thought of moments like this

Begged for them

Cried to God for them until all that comes out is a pathetic whimper

And now you are everywhere

And I am beyond grateful

Beyond happy

Beyond satisfied

My senses converge and everything is you

I breathe in and out

And steel myself to give you everything

I reach out a hand to begin my proclamation

But you can see it my eyes

And I know

Because I can see it in yours

And as we drift together to make things complete

I open my eyes into darkness

A fan blowing my loneliness over me in waves

Twisted covers surround me

As I float on my pillow top mattress, alone

And tears full of salt and anguish join my pillow

Because I know that I just had you

The only way I could

The way I've had you for so long

And all I can see, hear, feel, taste, smell

Is the acute emptiness

That always follows these dreams

As my heart slows its rapid beating

I silently implore every power known to man

For these false, faint rendezvous to end

So I can let you go

So I can be happy again

The energy put into these desperate pleas

Is more than I can bear

And so I let myself fall back

Into a familiar darkness

A restless and unfulfilling slumber

Knowing that the next night will be the same

And a small part of me welcomes it

Because if I can only have you in my dreams

I'll gladly sleep forever

Is That How You Really Feel?

So, tonight held the 54th Grammy Award show, and while that is certainly "post-worthy," that is not what I'm writing about tonight. No, tonight I am just venting/wondering about something that I deem a problem with our society. A little melodramatic, perhaps, but indulge me. Read on...

There was a lot of fanfare tonight, with celebrities being celebrated and music being performed. One of the performances was by the one and only Chris Brown. Now, I have struggled with Chris Brown ever since it was revealed that he laid his hands on Rihanna. I was definitely a fan before that. And I do still think he is talented. But how do we hold public figures [which celebrities are - whether or not they want to be] accountable while still allowing them to live their lives? If he was a plumber, he would likely carry on with his job after all that drama. But to exit in such a public arena... I sometimes think that's too much of a privilege. Yes, I'm getting to something. Again, read on...

So, while the euphoria (-_-) of the Grammy's was wearing off, I was surfing the web, and came across this "article." I couldn't BELIEVE what I was reading. Basically, if you don't feel like clicking the link, it is titled "25 Extremely Upsetting Reactions to Chris Brown At The Grammys." The content is 25 tweets/facebook posts with the same message. EVERY SINGLE one of these posts basically say the same thing: "Chris Brown is amazing. He could beat me any day." Seriously???

Why is it deemed ok to actually say [or THINK] that because a man is considered attractive/talented, it's ok that he is abusive? This makes my heart break for everyone with this mentality, because where is our self-worth? Where are little girls learning that they are worth so much more than that? I mean, I know that some of those comments may be facetious, but to even joke about that requires so very little thought about how devaluing and debasing abuse is.

I will NOT look down on people [because it happens to men too] that find themselves being abused in their relationships. I struggle with my own self-esteem daily. But I just don't understand how girls and women alike can be so accepting of this. If ONE woman is being disrespected and objectified, it trickles out into the mentality of the masses. If we can't be a community about something like this, what can possibly bring us together?

This is getting pretty long, but I just want to implore everyone reading this to really think about your place in this. Even if it is just stopping pejorative language about women when you hear it. Can we please agree that this is not ok? Can we please teach our girls that they are worth so much, and teach our boys the same? No man who believes wholeheartedly in himself and his family could possibly think to strike a woman like this, and the same goes for women.

Can we please just begin loving one another? I know that's corny and cliche, but it really is what is at the root of this issue.

Stop disrespect. Everywhere you see it.

"Lunch Scholars" Video Clip

Hello all!

It's been awhile since my last post, and I'm here to talk about something other than relationships!

Well, my linesisters and I typically have a wide range of discussions in the course of a day, some very serious, and some as nonsensical as you can imagine, lol! Today, one of us forwarded this article/video to our listserv. It's a video of some high school students answering questions related to United States geography/history. The questions are relatively simple, but the students are stumped.

[To be fair, the editors of the video did put out a statement saying that they meant the video to be funny, and that there were HOURS of other students answering these questions correctly.]

I will admit that upon first glance, I was a little disgusted and irritated and what I deemed a lack of basic knowledge. However, I started to read some of the comments, and I was really appalled at what some people were saying. I have posted my response below, and I know that there are people who will understand what I am saying, and others who will disagree. Take it how you will...

A lot of people seem to be missing the point on both sides. This was clearly edited to form a "funny" video, and not all students answered in such a ridiculous manner. We should definitely not be demeaning people, especially children, as though we are somehow better because we can answer these questions better than they can.

However, there IS a complacency that is taking place in a lot of school systems that are causing our children to be let down in a major way. I work in Washington, DC public schools, and there are students there that cannot tell you the capital of the United States of America. These children are tested so often that everything seems like a build up to a test, or the review of a test just taken. There is not an expectation of excellence in a lot of our schools, public or otherwise. ("Our" here refers to schools in the United States of America.) No, this one video should not cause an uproar. But everyone should take a visit to some schools, spend some real time in them, and THEN you can be uproarious. There is certainly a reason that the United States is not globally competitive. It's not about THESE students, it is a cultural problem. More emphasis is placed on what you have than what you know, and that is a problem. And in some places, what you have is a matter of survival, not an effect of materialism. And the fact that either of those statements is true is doing a REAL disservice to our youth.

I am not trying to imply that NOONE in our school systems care about our children. I would argue that MOST do. However, the problem has become bigger than any one person, school, or school system. It is going to take a huge ideological shift from our society to get to the root of these issues.

We send our children to school to be educated and forget that a lot of the process of education has to do with the attitude toward education at home, and outside of school in general. This one video (or others like it) should not be a rallying point for people who don't really know what goes on in a lot of our schools to wax poetic about what should be done. It should, however, be a reminder of what will eventually become a majority of students that we will have failed if all we continue to do is talk about it.

Happy New Year!!!! (And poetry)

Happy New Year!

It feels wonderful to bring in 2012! I brought it in with my family, and with thoughts of all those I couldn't be with in my mind.

So... I figured I'd celebrate the new year by posting a poem a wrote a little over a week ago. Don't judge me; I haven't gone through the whole editing process yet. It's been awhile since I posted a poem though, so... hopefully whoever is reading enjoys!

STILL FRAME

In darkness, I pull you over me

absorbing the security that feels ironic,

and the joy that feels omnipotent.

I feel you everywhere,

and the feeling is too much

and not enough at the same time.

My body seems seems to be moving a step before my mind,

and you are somewhere in between,

reacting and acting

simultaneously.

Intense whispers create their own intimate cadence,

setting the tempo for our orchestral movement.

Time and space and sound meld into a single concept,

explained only by this one experience.

As we slow and things become separate entities again,

my mind takes over.

In its attempt to reestablish equilibrium,

it begins to work overtime.

And everything I was sure of becomes everything

of which I need convincing.

And I fall asleep, knowing that with daylight

come a tendency to turn this picture

into a negative image.

I try desperately to freeze this frame into my mind,

and succeed in setting the backdrop of my dreams.

~JME

And that's it. A little break to my poetry hiatus. :-)

Happy New Year's, once again! I hope you are bringing it in doing something that you truly enjoy.

Are You Kidding Me? Apparently Not...

Ok... I'm back super soon... Like, 20 mins later, haha. I just read an email that really frustrated me. And YES it's kind of about relationships, but I can't help myself.

My linesisters and I talk everyday on our listserv, sending out different tidbits, or just participating in general frivolity because we enjoy each other like that (don't be jealous, just step your game up). Anyway, one of my LSs sent out a link to Tyrese talking about... what else!?! Why Black women are "too independent" and that's why they can't get a man. Like, seriously. I'm not even really going to get into that too much. Yes, sometimes that forceful personality is a turn-off, but as a tweet I recently read (don't remember who from) said, women would be able to be women when men start to be men. And that itself is a little misguided and misogynistic, but I do understand the sentiment. Women did not wake up one morning deciding to forgo men. They got fucked over one too many times and had to make a decision to preserve their sanity. (Some of it was definitely on them and their decisions, but it wasn't a one-sided thing.) [And I hate generalizations, but it's the easiest way to get this point across.]

Anyway, here is the link to Tyrese's "interview" and a very nice post discussing it:

http://www.racialicious.com/2011/11/28/tyrese-mansplains-to-too-independent-women/

I'm just going to post my reply to my LS' email chain. I'm so frustrated with ALL of this...

"Y'all know how I feel about this. I'm SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO tired of people talking about Black women like there is something wrong with us! People cannot get around all of the stereotypes they have of Black women to see the real women that stand in front of them! Katt Williams once said (truth through comedy) that is women keep complaining about men, talking about how "niggas ain't shit," etc, then they need to wonder what their p*ssy is attracting "ain't shit niggas." And while I think that's generally sound, if not a little insensitive, why is noone addressing the OBVIOUS counterpart to that? If men keep encountering "bitches, whores, and gold-diggers," then they need to wonder what about their dick (or better yet, MENTALITY [same thing?]) is attracting these women, instead of blanketing thee stereotypes over all women, "specifically Black women."

Honestly, I struggle with my own feelings about myself and where I am now too much to have whole media outlets and stupid ass "celebrities" tell me that I am the reason that men can't get with my program. And I consider myself pretty introspective, and try to admit to myself when I have issues (which I am constantly doing), but I can't get with the idea that the problem is as general as the fact that I am a Black woman. What the entire hell? I can't. But I also can't escape it. That concept is EVERYWHERE. I really am ready to give up and live with my dog (can't do cats) and my Rabbit, as Tyrese so eloquently put it, and be ok with it. Damn."

Just an Update!

So, it's been almost a year since I have written anything here. Last time I posted, I was bidding 2010 adieu. And only a few posts before that, I was waxing poetic about 2009. I'm sure I will have a similar post soon (I can't BELIEVE it's almost 2012), but I wanted to do a little check in. One of the best people I know, Ms. Char Bear has been blogging about her venture into 27, and has inspired me to write a little again. It's a little scary, because I just re-read my farewell to 2009, and not too much has changed. That's ridiculous because it's been 2 years. There has definitely been growth, more experiences, etc., but I guess my reflection was just that timeless, because I could stand to read it more often and remember some of those lessons.

My distraction from writing has been somewhat dismaying. I haven't even written in my journal. My feelings have been so completely all over the place, and I have actually brought up the page to write here several time, but couldn't get through a whole post. I actually feel like I sound like somewhat of a broken record, because all I seem to talk about is relationships, in various ways. I just have so many feelings about things, and so many things that I have learned that I feel compelled to write about that.

But relationships are not the only thing going on in my life! That's actually NOT going, so that's not an issue, I suppose, lol. I will get to relationships later though. I just want to update the 0.5 people who read this a little on my life.

I turned 25 this year. Whoa. A quarter-century. That is amazing to me. I don't feel much like the "adult" that my age says I am. But my life is pretty good right now! I absolutely LOVE my job, even when it's driving me crazy (which is pretty much all the time). I feel like my work is important, and that is major to me. I feel like I'm way too old to waste my time on things that aren't building me up in some way, so I'm excited about where I am.

My family is good. They also drive me crazy, but I went home for Thanksgiving this year, and didn't want to tear myself away. It's rare that I get a stress-free trip home, but I did this year, and I am so thankful! I love them, and my almost 9 year old brother pretty much comes up to my shoulder. Made me want to cry! I love my siblings more than anything/one else I know (aside from my parents, of course). And it's my little sister's 19th birthday today. I reflect on our relationship and thank God that he made us so close. She is so amazing, and I strive to be like her. It should be the other way around, but she is truly an inspiration.

As for other things, I don't have much else going on. I still have all my best friends, and I realize that I don't really have many friends that I don't consider a "best friend." Some people might think this is crazy, but that's the level to which I elevate people in my life. I was tweeting earlier (follow me!: @Perspicacity913) and just reflecting on how I have people in my life that are so amazing. It's very hard for me to call someone a friend, so those that are are my family. I don't talk to them all the time, and some of them I don't even talk to often, but they are completely my family.

Now, as for relationships... Lol, there is almost nothing to say. I feel like I keep making the same decisions, even though they always turn out to be disastrous. (Isn't that insanity or something?) I always feel things so intensely, and I rarely give the other person time to catch up, lol. I actually am getting tired of the single life, but at the same time, I'm not interested in giving up my identity, which has happened often. I am a pretty strong person in general, but this is where I tend to back down. I just don't like feeling like I'm forcing anyone's hand, and so I keep things in, while being very accommodating. Just things to learn about myself, I suppose. When I reach my breaking point, I suppose I'll stop. Given the state of things, that's a depressing thought, so I guess I'll stop there. To be continued, I suppose...

Anyway, that's my update! It wasn't terribly exciting or thought-provoking, but not everything has to be. I really do want to start writing more again, so I'm sure I'll get back to it. I'm not even really that happy with this post, but I wrote all of it, so I'll post it. :-)

Catch y'all on the flip side.

~J

PS: I'm listening to Rihanna's Talk that Talk album now... liking it so far!

Good-bye 2010. Hello, 2011!

Ok. Definitely been slacking on the blog front. And its not going to get any better. BUT, noone really reads this anyway, so it's ok! Haha. And I'm cool with that.

Anyway, I don't have a huge sentimental feeling at this year's end like I did last year. 2010 had a lot of GREAT times, but it also hosted some of the worst times I can remember. Truth be told, there were a lot of feelings or inadequacy, suspicion, and outright failure that I associate with many happenings of 2010. That's not a pity statement; it actually facilitated quite the growing process for me. I do think that 2011 will see a new me, but that's less because it is a "new year," and more because I am reacting to the cards I have been dealt. The fact that this is coinciding with a year change is pretty coincidental.

So farewell to 2010! It's been a crazy ride! I'm looking forward to some of the things I have set into action for 2011!

Besos, mis amors!