What is the Foundation of this Relationship?

Soooo... I'm sitting here watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I have only seen this movie in bits and pieces, but being snowed in as I am, I finally got a chance to catch pretty much the whole movie! I'm sure this has been discussed ad nauseum, but it really has me evaluating relationships and the foundations on which they stand.

Clearly the premise of the movie is kind of ridiculous, as two people would be hard-pressed to have a successful relationship that was begun on a bet, or on the idea that one is trying to "gain" and then lose the other in 10 days. However, it is a good starting point to discuss the foundations of successful relationships.

I am of the opinion that it is impossible to have a stable relationship without respect, honesty, and trust. Honesty and trust seemingly go hand-in-hand, but many people are so damaged by their lived experiences that even if their partner is telling them the truth, they can't trust it as such.

I leave out love because relationships do not start with the two people in love, or at least not very often. Love is something that is grown and cultivated, not only through the respect, honesty, and trust necessary, but also through the time and effort of the people involved.

These days, people seem to barely respect themselves, not to mention the people that they are trying to involve themselves with. Relationships are rarely the desired outcome of getting to know someone; we just "go with the flow" and "see what happens." That kind of flexibility is great to build a relationship on, but not if both parties are not willing to define anything at all. We live in a society that is dedicated to keeping options open without understanding that open options often lead to feelings of instability and uncertainty.

I pass no judgements on how anyone decides to live their life. I have settled for less plenty of times, and sadly, I have been one of many options in a field of many, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes not. However, I think it is time for many people to decide that they are worth the time and effort it takes to build a true relationship. Even if you don't think you are worth it, I do, and I hope that means something to someone...

Also, I know that not everyone wants a relationship now. And sometimes, relationships contain more than two people. Or whatever other things people can think of to debate what I have put here. Regardless, when respect, honesty, and trust are inserted, I can't help but to think that even relationships that fall outside of the realm of what I have spoken about will be much happier and more fulfilling. But you know... maybe that's just me.

What's Missing?

Hello all!

So, I am sitting here, at about 11:30 pm on a Sunday night. Sunday nights are generally a slow, sometimes depressing time for me, because the work week is beginning again. And I feel myself slipping into an introspective state. I know there is something that I need to think about; some issue within myself to solve.

I have felt lately that there is something missing from my life, and it's difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is, or if something is indeed missing. I've figured out that I need to increase my amount of "me time," but there seems to be something else. A little while ago, I made the realization that I am actually ready for a relationship again, should the opportunity present itself. Like, I have pretty much let go of all my negativity about stupid shit in the past.

So, is that what is missing? A man? And if so, is that ok? Meaning, in this day and age, is it against some female code of honor to say that you actually desire the kind of companionship that a man can give? Not that I really care, but I'm curious. Does that set us back some indeterminable amount of time? I hope not, because regardless of what they pay lip service to, most people desire some kind of loving companionship. It's just human.

So, am I missing a man? Will that kind of relationship just be something else pulling me in yet another direction, stressing me out even more? Or could that person be a sounding board; someone to just chill out with and be myself? Not that I'm not myself with my friends. But you know, it's just a little different...

I'm not sure that a man is what I am missing. That's a tad too extreme for me. I think that it could just be one of many solutions. But the "getting to know you" process, while fun, can be exhausting, and I don't know if I miss that right now, lol.

Or maybe I just miss my family a little more than I realized, and in that case, going home for Turkey Day should alleviate some of these feelings. Because I really feel out of touch with myself, and it's really unsettling. I need to fix this, quick!

Suggestions? ;-)

The Free Agent

Hey yall! So, I think I’m ready to get into the next “installment” of this whole relationship thing. These last two are a little more emotional to me, and so may be a little longer (as they are more involved). Bear with me.

Anywho, we are going to call this next man up “The Free Agent.” There are a few ironic reasons that he is named that, but most are too specific to be brought up here. Basically though, when you think of a free agent, you think of someone who is available to everyone, pretty much able to deal with whomever they want without obligations. So the name fits. Not that he was loose with it, but… you’ll see.

So, I met The Free Agent shortly after I crossed into Deltaland, and he had just crossed into his fraternity as well (frat will remain nameless, lol). I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I’m sure he wasn’t either. We were having fun, talking, whatever it’s called nowadays. Slowly but surely, I began to develop feelings. And I felt like there was at least some kind of reciprocation. We kept in touch via email while he traveled that summer, and he even called from overseas a few times. I was not delusional enough to think that he felt what I felt, but I thought I was safe in assuming that he felt *something.*

So, we are floating along, living life, and my assumptions about the nature of our relationship keep building. However, things seem to have been brewing behind the scenes without my knowledge. One of my linesisters was dating one of his linebrothers (the Greek thing is, like, ALWAYS an extra hitch thrown into relationships when all parties are close to one another), and informed me that actually, my place in his life was one of “friend with benefits,” and not anything more serious, as I had assumed. Let me state that I NEVER deluded myself into thinking that we were in some kind of stable relationship, but FWB was not something that I EVER intended to be. So, I ask him about it, and I’m pretty sure that he denies it. It’s been about 4 years, but I’m pretty sure that that is what happened.

Throw in a few more glitches of a similar sort, and you can kind of see where we were going. However, I was willing to go with the flow because I had not stated my desires of stability and something concrete. Then one night, we have an argument about something, that I’m sure was stupid, but important enough to argue about at the time. We talk about it, and I think, ok, I’m kinda pissed, but not enough to make a huge fuss. We kind of make up, and leave it there. The next night, his chapter has a house party, and of course, my linesisters and I are in attendance.

So I am at the party, trying to engage him in conversation, and he is being a little distant, and I figure we both could use a little space since we had just had a fight the previous night. Plus, I noticed this chick looking at me every so often, and was really trying to figure out what was going on. But I decided to ignore her too.

So, I’m sitting there, drinking, and getting drunker without realizing it. I see him chasing around this same chick that has been staring at me off and on throughout the night. Intuition started misting in, but was thwarted by the alcohol, lol. So, after awhile, I stand up, and immediately realize exactly how much I had been drinking. (Tipsyyyyyy…. Lol) So, I start looking around for him. He’s missing. Then I notice that the random chick was missing as well. To make an even longer story short, they are missing, together. In the basement of the house. Doing things that I don’t even want to think about right now. Like, literally, right below my feet. And everybody knew it.

I was hurt. MAJORLY embarrassed, because everyone knew. And felt completely and totally disrespected. I feel that even if you are not monogamous with someone (which I actually thought we were), it’s such a slap in the face to do something like that to them. I literally felt like someone was carving me open at that moment and smashing my heart to pieces. I can’t think of an appropriate analogy, but yall probably get it anyway.

So, there’s a confrontation (me and him), he denies doing anything, but says that even if he did, that we were not monogamous, so I shouldn’t feel any type of way about it. That we weren’t monogamous so that we both had the freedom to do what we wanted. And later that weekend, we decided to just end things altogether and move on.

I talked to my mother about it afterward, and in between my random bouts of tears, I told her that it hurt so much because I thought that I loved him. I had actually not realized that fact before I said it, but I realized then that it was true. To this day, I am not sure that I loved him, but I know that I was at least falling. And it hurt even more to discover a feeling like that after the irreparable damage had already been done. It’s like in the song “Allure” by Jay-Z:

“Or even the worst pain is the distress
Learnin’ you're the mistress only after that love gets slain
And the anger and the sorrow mixed up leads to mistrust
Now it gets tough to ever love a-gain
But the allure of the game, keeps callin’ your name”

(And the last line of that is the reason that I didn’t just throw in the towel on love and relationships then and there.)

Anyway, the story does not end there, but my lesson did. I have never assumed anything in a relationship since then. It makes me need everything spelled out . I can’t not know what is going on, because I know I catch feelings early. It’s what I do. But for my heart’s sake, I won’t allow myself to act on them without explicit reciprocation.

But for the record, we have since made up, and I even count him among one of my friends. TO this day, we keep in touch fairly consistently. Sometimes I think back and get hurt because he still has not to this day admitted to or acknowledged exactly what happened. But he was there to listen to me when I was going through craziness with a close friend, and I have learned to forgive. Forgetting is a little different, or I wouldn’t even be able to write this. Those were my lessons. And I hope I was an apt student.

The Philosopher

Hey all! I am sitting on my bed, listening “Journey to the Past” by Aaliyah (R.I.P.) off of the Anastasia soundtrack, and reminiscing on the relationships of my past. I have had three that have kind of shaped my thinking about relationships, and boundaries, love, friendship, etcetera. I’m going to write about all three (separately), and hopefully my lessons will either help someone, or my feelings will resonate with someone to let them know that they are not alone in whatever feeling they may have.

My first significant relationship began right before my graduation from high school. Yeah, I got started kind of late. I had been in a few relationships before that, but in terms of the ones that have had a significant impact on my thoughts, this is where my story begins. As for details, I will be as vague as possible to protect people (myself included), but these people would recognize themselves; I’m sure of it. Anyway, we will call this one “The Philosopher.”

The Philosopher was a year behind me in school, but older than me, due to the fact that I had skipped a grade much earlier in my academic career. We had participated in the same extracurricular activity for awhile when I started to think that maybe there was a little more to what I was feeling for this person. So, while on a 4- or 5-day field trip for this extracurricular activity, I began to drop hints that I was interested, and honestly, I could not tell if they were being reciprocated. Then, one night, all of us on that field trip began talking about love, and the benefits of logic or emotion prevailing in situations of love (yeah, we were those kids, LMAO). By now, I’m sure you all know that I was on emotion’s side for this particular argument. And, as no real surprise to me, The Philosopher was heavily on the side of logic. He stated that emotion equaled irrationality, and the world would be so much better if people could think logically about their endeavors.

The two of us stayed up as the others began dropping like flies, and debated for quite some time. I didn’t like what he was saying because I thought it was an obstacle for us, but I kept falling deeper because of his eloquence, his thoughtfulness, and his conviction. As we got up from that discussion to get to bed, our eyes met and I swear my breath caught. I was a romantic even at 16 years old. J I went to my room, and he went to his.

As I was getting ready for bed, the phone in my room rang. Not wanting my roommates to wake up, I answered quickly, and The Philosopher was on the line. I asked him what was going on, and his simple answer was “Being emotional and irrational.” And he had me.

Our relationship was brief. The thing that attracted me to him was the same thing that I was not ready for. He was truly a philosopher at heart. Most of our conversations were spent debating philosophic issues, and for the most part, I didn’t mind. But I also wanted something a little more mainstream. Also, I was going to college the next year, and he would still be in high school for another year. And although I was actually staying in the same city for college, my 16 year old mind was not ready to bring such an intense relationship with me. I felt that he put me on a pedestal, and that I could not do much wrong in his eyes, and I also knew that I did not want to disappoint him.

So, I ended it. I don’t think that he ever understood that it probably hurt me just as much as it hurt him. And, from what I can gather, he was pretty hurt. I cried for hours after I did it. I never knew that breaking up with someone could cause so much pain. I think that even back then, six years ago, I understood that I was ending something that in time, I would come to crave. Right now, I would love to have someone that understood me like he did. That I could talk to about such a multitude of things. He is one of the people that I have grown apart from since high school that I actually miss. But he taught me that there are men out there that value the right things, and that will care about me the way that I deserve. He is one of the reasons that I still have that faith. He held me accountable for my thoughts and actions, and any incongruities that existed between the two.

If we were to be together now, I am sure that I would love him. I’m not saying it was all perfect. We both could have been a little more realistic. But he will always be, for me, the one that kind of got away. He was right for me, but not right for me at the time. I forever have The Philosopher to thank for my faith in the male species, haha. I wish I could know for sure that he is going to read this, but on the off chance that he does, I hope he feels better knowing what has taken me 6 years to verbalize correctly.