The Philosopher

Hey all! I am sitting on my bed, listening “Journey to the Past” by Aaliyah (R.I.P.) off of the Anastasia soundtrack, and reminiscing on the relationships of my past. I have had three that have kind of shaped my thinking about relationships, and boundaries, love, friendship, etcetera. I’m going to write about all three (separately), and hopefully my lessons will either help someone, or my feelings will resonate with someone to let them know that they are not alone in whatever feeling they may have.

My first significant relationship began right before my graduation from high school. Yeah, I got started kind of late. I had been in a few relationships before that, but in terms of the ones that have had a significant impact on my thoughts, this is where my story begins. As for details, I will be as vague as possible to protect people (myself included), but these people would recognize themselves; I’m sure of it. Anyway, we will call this one “The Philosopher.”

The Philosopher was a year behind me in school, but older than me, due to the fact that I had skipped a grade much earlier in my academic career. We had participated in the same extracurricular activity for awhile when I started to think that maybe there was a little more to what I was feeling for this person. So, while on a 4- or 5-day field trip for this extracurricular activity, I began to drop hints that I was interested, and honestly, I could not tell if they were being reciprocated. Then, one night, all of us on that field trip began talking about love, and the benefits of logic or emotion prevailing in situations of love (yeah, we were those kids, LMAO). By now, I’m sure you all know that I was on emotion’s side for this particular argument. And, as no real surprise to me, The Philosopher was heavily on the side of logic. He stated that emotion equaled irrationality, and the world would be so much better if people could think logically about their endeavors.

The two of us stayed up as the others began dropping like flies, and debated for quite some time. I didn’t like what he was saying because I thought it was an obstacle for us, but I kept falling deeper because of his eloquence, his thoughtfulness, and his conviction. As we got up from that discussion to get to bed, our eyes met and I swear my breath caught. I was a romantic even at 16 years old. J I went to my room, and he went to his.

As I was getting ready for bed, the phone in my room rang. Not wanting my roommates to wake up, I answered quickly, and The Philosopher was on the line. I asked him what was going on, and his simple answer was “Being emotional and irrational.” And he had me.

Our relationship was brief. The thing that attracted me to him was the same thing that I was not ready for. He was truly a philosopher at heart. Most of our conversations were spent debating philosophic issues, and for the most part, I didn’t mind. But I also wanted something a little more mainstream. Also, I was going to college the next year, and he would still be in high school for another year. And although I was actually staying in the same city for college, my 16 year old mind was not ready to bring such an intense relationship with me. I felt that he put me on a pedestal, and that I could not do much wrong in his eyes, and I also knew that I did not want to disappoint him.

So, I ended it. I don’t think that he ever understood that it probably hurt me just as much as it hurt him. And, from what I can gather, he was pretty hurt. I cried for hours after I did it. I never knew that breaking up with someone could cause so much pain. I think that even back then, six years ago, I understood that I was ending something that in time, I would come to crave. Right now, I would love to have someone that understood me like he did. That I could talk to about such a multitude of things. He is one of the people that I have grown apart from since high school that I actually miss. But he taught me that there are men out there that value the right things, and that will care about me the way that I deserve. He is one of the reasons that I still have that faith. He held me accountable for my thoughts and actions, and any incongruities that existed between the two.

If we were to be together now, I am sure that I would love him. I’m not saying it was all perfect. We both could have been a little more realistic. But he will always be, for me, the one that kind of got away. He was right for me, but not right for me at the time. I forever have The Philosopher to thank for my faith in the male species, haha. I wish I could know for sure that he is going to read this, but on the off chance that he does, I hope he feels better knowing what has taken me 6 years to verbalize correctly.