What's Missing?

Hello all!

So, I am sitting here, at about 11:30 pm on a Sunday night. Sunday nights are generally a slow, sometimes depressing time for me, because the work week is beginning again. And I feel myself slipping into an introspective state. I know there is something that I need to think about; some issue within myself to solve.

I have felt lately that there is something missing from my life, and it's difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is, or if something is indeed missing. I've figured out that I need to increase my amount of "me time," but there seems to be something else. A little while ago, I made the realization that I am actually ready for a relationship again, should the opportunity present itself. Like, I have pretty much let go of all my negativity about stupid shit in the past.

So, is that what is missing? A man? And if so, is that ok? Meaning, in this day and age, is it against some female code of honor to say that you actually desire the kind of companionship that a man can give? Not that I really care, but I'm curious. Does that set us back some indeterminable amount of time? I hope not, because regardless of what they pay lip service to, most people desire some kind of loving companionship. It's just human.

So, am I missing a man? Will that kind of relationship just be something else pulling me in yet another direction, stressing me out even more? Or could that person be a sounding board; someone to just chill out with and be myself? Not that I'm not myself with my friends. But you know, it's just a little different...

I'm not sure that a man is what I am missing. That's a tad too extreme for me. I think that it could just be one of many solutions. But the "getting to know you" process, while fun, can be exhausting, and I don't know if I miss that right now, lol.

Or maybe I just miss my family a little more than I realized, and in that case, going home for Turkey Day should alleviate some of these feelings. Because I really feel out of touch with myself, and it's really unsettling. I need to fix this, quick!

Suggestions? ;-)

FINALLY - The Shooting Star

Hello all! I know it has been FOREVER since I last updated this thing, but this last relationship summary has been HELL on earth to write. It's so involved, and so loooong, but… Here it is!:


Ok, so the last relationship in this installment also happens to be my last relationship so far! I had the HARDEST time coming up with a nickname for this one, but I finally decided on "The Shooting Star." The dictionary definition of a shooting star is "a bright trail or streak that appears in the sky when a meteoroid is heated to incandescence by friction with the earth's atmosphere." This is such an apt description, because when The Shooting Star was in my life, I barely saw anything else. He lit up everything, and it blinded me to so much. Anyway, on to the nitty gritty… ;-)


So, I met The Shooting Star exactly a week after all the drama with The Free Agent. We started talking, and the rest is history. He was a breath of fresh air, and since I had no expectations, he wasn't able to disappoint me. I did catch feelings early, but I wasn't attached. I just liked him.


Our first snag came about when I found out that he had been in a relationship with someone at my school when we met. Rather, I did not know that he was still in the relationship, but I found out that he had lied about what I thought was a friendship, and said that it was a previous "relationship." We talked it through, and we let it go. I came to find out later that he actually had not yet ended said relationship when we started talked. But… We'll get to that.


The next snag was more of a giant rip in the fabric that was our relationship, lol. Basically, I found out that he had been cheating on me for 1.5-2 months. I can't even begin to get into the details of how I found out (a whole other post in itself), but please know that it dragged over a period of about 3 days, during which he didn't speak to me on our 1 year anniversary of knowing one another because he was "disappointed in me for accusing him and listening to the accusations of others." …Yeah. He went there.


Anyway, I was SO convinced that what we had was real, so we talked it out. I found out that his prior relationship was not technically over when we first got involved, and that it had been a 5 year one. That information along with the fact that he had been cheating for so long almost broke me into a million pieces. When I got the damning piece of information, I was with two of my linesisters, and I completely broke down. But when we talked it out (myself and The Shooting Star), we decided to break up, but that we would stay in touch, because we actually were supposed to be together. LOL.


So, after only about a month, we got back together, and it was quite possibly one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I thought I could work through it, that I could forgive and put it behind me, but not enough time had gone by for him to earn back my trust. I was completely selfish, because I wanted things to go back to normal, and I did not give it enough time to do that. So of course, about 2 months later, we broke up again. That was February 2007.


Basically, we continued dealing with each other on and off until April of this year (2009). We would be on for awhile, until I would find out about yet another female or yet another senseless lie. In terms of the other females, it is hard to say who was really at fault. In reality, we were never really together, with labels, so technically, he was able to do what he wanted. However, in my opinion (and I was vocal about this), we had too much history to go back to the casual dating phase. Just because we were testing out the waters did not mean that other streams were allowed to join our river. Lol… Because he did not object to these terms, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was upholdling his end of that bargain. Apparently not. But I was in love. So I kept going back.


As for the senseless lies, he would lie about things that happened when we weren't even speaking to one another. And I would always find out, one way or another that he had lied. One of my pet peeves, probably exacerbated by this situation, is being lied to for no reason. And that's what he was doing.


I went back and forth about whether I even wanted to be his friend so many times. In my opinion, you cannot care about me and want the best for me when you are lying to be repeatedly for no reason at all. But I have invested so much of myself, and I actually do care about him still, even if it's not in the way that I once did. He will always have a part of my heart, and I hope we remain friends.


We are friends now, in a loose sense. We talk occasionally. And I know that if I ever really needed anything, he would be there for me. And I hope he knows that I feel the same. The Shooting Star really did light up my path, and when he passed through to light someone else's, I truly did see darkness. But somehow parts of us ended up intertwined, and that's why we will always be around each other, in one way or another. I did a lot of things wrong, and so did he, but those things got me to where I am now. And that's a whole other blog post. ;-)


~IntenseEntropy