My Decade in a Nutshell

Well, well, well… 2009, and in turn, the 200- decade is coming to an end. Of course I have some sentimentality about this, but as I am only 23, this is the first decade shift where I am able to reflect intuitively about the changes that I have been through. And there have been many.

This decade has seen me through high school and college. And I grew significantly in each. I doubt people with whom I lost touch from HS would recognize me now. I do not look much different, but my attitude is completely different. I have grown as a person, and I now, I love myself. I’m not sure that I did in HS.

Anyway, college continued lessons that I began in high school. I learned that you can’t trust everyone, but that you can trust a very few people with pretty much everything. I became a woman of the greatest sorority of all time, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., by the grace of the Mu Beta Chapter. That alone taught me so much about myself. What I was willing to do for something that I wanted, and exactly how much of myself I could give to others, to the greater good. And how much I could get back.

I realized that although Sisterhood, Scholarship, and Service meant more to me than before, school isn’t everything. Your learned experiences sometimes teach more than a professor lecturing from any textbook.

I realized that my heart was truly breakable, but that I had to love myself more than I loved anyone who did not explicitly want the best for me. I learned what it was like to want something or someone so badly that you would fight nearly to the death for it/them, and I also learned that sometimes you walk away, your head bloody, but unbowed, picking up your own pieces and moving on.

In this decade, I worked in the “real world,” and discovered that it’s really not that bad. You struggle with it if you aren’t willing to take your lumps to get to where you actually want to be; when you decide that you are too good to climb a ladder and decide to leap tall buildings in a single bound. J

I also embarked on a remarkable “idealistic journey” of service and development when I joined the City Year family. CY is hard, mainly because you don’t have a clue what you are getting into when you join it. But while the people you help would make it worthwhile anyway, the people you meet keep you going everyday.

2000-2009 brought joy and pain, suffering and loss and happiness and gain. All of my downs taught me how to appreciate being up, and all of my ups prepared me for being down. ALL of it was made possible by my Lord and Savior. He has truly kept me up, and been the footprints in the sand of my life.

I don’t think that any other decade will see me going through so many different stages of life. From high school to college to work to service. From innocence to love to heartbreak to a much deeper knowledge of what I want from myself and from others. It was all easy, and it was all hard, and regardless, if I had to do it all again, I’d face it chin up and with my hair blowing in the proverbial wind.

2010-2019 is going to be a damn good ride.

What Has Happened to Moral Obligations?

Hello beautiful souls!

So, I woke up this morning with nothing to do. Work has been cancelled, and this is the third day that I am relegated to my apartment because of "Snowpocalypse 2009" (according to the media hype). So of course, I wake up, call home to wish my little brother a Happy Birthday (he's seven!), and grab my laptop. Why not see what is happening in the world-at-large?

I check my email, and see some messages from friends, some spam, and some things in between. All of a sudden, a headline (from one of the many news sources deposited to my inbox daily) catches my eye. I click it in disbelief, hoping there is more to the story, and I get to this link: Headline: EMTs On Break Allow a Pregnant Woman To Die.

SERIOUSLY? The basic rundown of the story is that a pregnant woman started to have seizures in an Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. There were two EMTs there buying breakfast who refused to help because they were "on break." They told the employees to just call 911. The Au Bon Pain was in the same building as the Fire Department HQ. So even if the EMTs didn't want to help, they could have easily found someone qualified to do so.

To me, this is extremely ridiculous. Being on break is fine and all, but you are an EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIAN. This was a medical emergency. This woman and her baby are DEAD, and her 4 year old son is now without a mother. How DARE you even THINK that you are allowed to turn your back on her!? Where is your human decency? And then the two EMTs get paid, but restricted leave. REALLY? They get a paid vacation for allowing a woman to die because they wanted breakfast? What a joke.

This is insane, and I am more than outraged. Americans are SOME OF the only people whose leisure time matters more to them than another human life. And that is just said. I'm too disgusted with this...

What is the Foundation of this Relationship?

Soooo... I'm sitting here watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I have only seen this movie in bits and pieces, but being snowed in as I am, I finally got a chance to catch pretty much the whole movie! I'm sure this has been discussed ad nauseum, but it really has me evaluating relationships and the foundations on which they stand.

Clearly the premise of the movie is kind of ridiculous, as two people would be hard-pressed to have a successful relationship that was begun on a bet, or on the idea that one is trying to "gain" and then lose the other in 10 days. However, it is a good starting point to discuss the foundations of successful relationships.

I am of the opinion that it is impossible to have a stable relationship without respect, honesty, and trust. Honesty and trust seemingly go hand-in-hand, but many people are so damaged by their lived experiences that even if their partner is telling them the truth, they can't trust it as such.

I leave out love because relationships do not start with the two people in love, or at least not very often. Love is something that is grown and cultivated, not only through the respect, honesty, and trust necessary, but also through the time and effort of the people involved.

These days, people seem to barely respect themselves, not to mention the people that they are trying to involve themselves with. Relationships are rarely the desired outcome of getting to know someone; we just "go with the flow" and "see what happens." That kind of flexibility is great to build a relationship on, but not if both parties are not willing to define anything at all. We live in a society that is dedicated to keeping options open without understanding that open options often lead to feelings of instability and uncertainty.

I pass no judgements on how anyone decides to live their life. I have settled for less plenty of times, and sadly, I have been one of many options in a field of many, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes not. However, I think it is time for many people to decide that they are worth the time and effort it takes to build a true relationship. Even if you don't think you are worth it, I do, and I hope that means something to someone...

Also, I know that not everyone wants a relationship now. And sometimes, relationships contain more than two people. Or whatever other things people can think of to debate what I have put here. Regardless, when respect, honesty, and trust are inserted, I can't help but to think that even relationships that fall outside of the realm of what I have spoken about will be much happier and more fulfilling. But you know... maybe that's just me.

Waking Up Together

Heavy eyelids betray

As I try to stay awake

and cling to your every word.

As you pontificate on the wonders of the world

- or so I imagine -

my mind wanders to matters more important,

like how your lips would feel

moving like that

on me.

Shaking off the haze around my brain,

a haze induced by my proximity to you,

my focus on your words sharpens,

and utterances of your goals, hope, and dreams

drift to my ears.

And I can't help but hear the

"we's" and "us's"

that abound in your speech.

My brain spasms hungrily as these words penetrate

my mind, act as an aphrodisiac to my senses.

As I come down from my high,

I realize the necessity of reciprocity here,

and mentally fresh, I share

my intentions with you as well.

The resulting silence is our mental cigarette

as we process and bask

in the euphoria

that comes from acknowledging

a shared future.

What's Missing?

Hello all!

So, I am sitting here, at about 11:30 pm on a Sunday night. Sunday nights are generally a slow, sometimes depressing time for me, because the work week is beginning again. And I feel myself slipping into an introspective state. I know there is something that I need to think about; some issue within myself to solve.

I have felt lately that there is something missing from my life, and it's difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is, or if something is indeed missing. I've figured out that I need to increase my amount of "me time," but there seems to be something else. A little while ago, I made the realization that I am actually ready for a relationship again, should the opportunity present itself. Like, I have pretty much let go of all my negativity about stupid shit in the past.

So, is that what is missing? A man? And if so, is that ok? Meaning, in this day and age, is it against some female code of honor to say that you actually desire the kind of companionship that a man can give? Not that I really care, but I'm curious. Does that set us back some indeterminable amount of time? I hope not, because regardless of what they pay lip service to, most people desire some kind of loving companionship. It's just human.

So, am I missing a man? Will that kind of relationship just be something else pulling me in yet another direction, stressing me out even more? Or could that person be a sounding board; someone to just chill out with and be myself? Not that I'm not myself with my friends. But you know, it's just a little different...

I'm not sure that a man is what I am missing. That's a tad too extreme for me. I think that it could just be one of many solutions. But the "getting to know you" process, while fun, can be exhausting, and I don't know if I miss that right now, lol.

Or maybe I just miss my family a little more than I realized, and in that case, going home for Turkey Day should alleviate some of these feelings. Because I really feel out of touch with myself, and it's really unsettling. I need to fix this, quick!

Suggestions? ;-)

FINALLY - The Shooting Star

Hello all! I know it has been FOREVER since I last updated this thing, but this last relationship summary has been HELL on earth to write. It's so involved, and so loooong, but… Here it is!:


Ok, so the last relationship in this installment also happens to be my last relationship so far! I had the HARDEST time coming up with a nickname for this one, but I finally decided on "The Shooting Star." The dictionary definition of a shooting star is "a bright trail or streak that appears in the sky when a meteoroid is heated to incandescence by friction with the earth's atmosphere." This is such an apt description, because when The Shooting Star was in my life, I barely saw anything else. He lit up everything, and it blinded me to so much. Anyway, on to the nitty gritty… ;-)


So, I met The Shooting Star exactly a week after all the drama with The Free Agent. We started talking, and the rest is history. He was a breath of fresh air, and since I had no expectations, he wasn't able to disappoint me. I did catch feelings early, but I wasn't attached. I just liked him.


Our first snag came about when I found out that he had been in a relationship with someone at my school when we met. Rather, I did not know that he was still in the relationship, but I found out that he had lied about what I thought was a friendship, and said that it was a previous "relationship." We talked it through, and we let it go. I came to find out later that he actually had not yet ended said relationship when we started talked. But… We'll get to that.


The next snag was more of a giant rip in the fabric that was our relationship, lol. Basically, I found out that he had been cheating on me for 1.5-2 months. I can't even begin to get into the details of how I found out (a whole other post in itself), but please know that it dragged over a period of about 3 days, during which he didn't speak to me on our 1 year anniversary of knowing one another because he was "disappointed in me for accusing him and listening to the accusations of others." …Yeah. He went there.


Anyway, I was SO convinced that what we had was real, so we talked it out. I found out that his prior relationship was not technically over when we first got involved, and that it had been a 5 year one. That information along with the fact that he had been cheating for so long almost broke me into a million pieces. When I got the damning piece of information, I was with two of my linesisters, and I completely broke down. But when we talked it out (myself and The Shooting Star), we decided to break up, but that we would stay in touch, because we actually were supposed to be together. LOL.


So, after only about a month, we got back together, and it was quite possibly one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I thought I could work through it, that I could forgive and put it behind me, but not enough time had gone by for him to earn back my trust. I was completely selfish, because I wanted things to go back to normal, and I did not give it enough time to do that. So of course, about 2 months later, we broke up again. That was February 2007.


Basically, we continued dealing with each other on and off until April of this year (2009). We would be on for awhile, until I would find out about yet another female or yet another senseless lie. In terms of the other females, it is hard to say who was really at fault. In reality, we were never really together, with labels, so technically, he was able to do what he wanted. However, in my opinion (and I was vocal about this), we had too much history to go back to the casual dating phase. Just because we were testing out the waters did not mean that other streams were allowed to join our river. Lol… Because he did not object to these terms, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was upholdling his end of that bargain. Apparently not. But I was in love. So I kept going back.


As for the senseless lies, he would lie about things that happened when we weren't even speaking to one another. And I would always find out, one way or another that he had lied. One of my pet peeves, probably exacerbated by this situation, is being lied to for no reason. And that's what he was doing.


I went back and forth about whether I even wanted to be his friend so many times. In my opinion, you cannot care about me and want the best for me when you are lying to be repeatedly for no reason at all. But I have invested so much of myself, and I actually do care about him still, even if it's not in the way that I once did. He will always have a part of my heart, and I hope we remain friends.


We are friends now, in a loose sense. We talk occasionally. And I know that if I ever really needed anything, he would be there for me. And I hope he knows that I feel the same. The Shooting Star really did light up my path, and when he passed through to light someone else's, I truly did see darkness. But somehow parts of us ended up intertwined, and that's why we will always be around each other, in one way or another. I did a lot of things wrong, and so did he, but those things got me to where I am now. And that's a whole other blog post. ;-)


~IntenseEntropy

The Free Agent

Hey yall! So, I think I’m ready to get into the next “installment” of this whole relationship thing. These last two are a little more emotional to me, and so may be a little longer (as they are more involved). Bear with me.

Anywho, we are going to call this next man up “The Free Agent.” There are a few ironic reasons that he is named that, but most are too specific to be brought up here. Basically though, when you think of a free agent, you think of someone who is available to everyone, pretty much able to deal with whomever they want without obligations. So the name fits. Not that he was loose with it, but… you’ll see.

So, I met The Free Agent shortly after I crossed into Deltaland, and he had just crossed into his fraternity as well (frat will remain nameless, lol). I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I’m sure he wasn’t either. We were having fun, talking, whatever it’s called nowadays. Slowly but surely, I began to develop feelings. And I felt like there was at least some kind of reciprocation. We kept in touch via email while he traveled that summer, and he even called from overseas a few times. I was not delusional enough to think that he felt what I felt, but I thought I was safe in assuming that he felt *something.*

So, we are floating along, living life, and my assumptions about the nature of our relationship keep building. However, things seem to have been brewing behind the scenes without my knowledge. One of my linesisters was dating one of his linebrothers (the Greek thing is, like, ALWAYS an extra hitch thrown into relationships when all parties are close to one another), and informed me that actually, my place in his life was one of “friend with benefits,” and not anything more serious, as I had assumed. Let me state that I NEVER deluded myself into thinking that we were in some kind of stable relationship, but FWB was not something that I EVER intended to be. So, I ask him about it, and I’m pretty sure that he denies it. It’s been about 4 years, but I’m pretty sure that that is what happened.

Throw in a few more glitches of a similar sort, and you can kind of see where we were going. However, I was willing to go with the flow because I had not stated my desires of stability and something concrete. Then one night, we have an argument about something, that I’m sure was stupid, but important enough to argue about at the time. We talk about it, and I think, ok, I’m kinda pissed, but not enough to make a huge fuss. We kind of make up, and leave it there. The next night, his chapter has a house party, and of course, my linesisters and I are in attendance.

So I am at the party, trying to engage him in conversation, and he is being a little distant, and I figure we both could use a little space since we had just had a fight the previous night. Plus, I noticed this chick looking at me every so often, and was really trying to figure out what was going on. But I decided to ignore her too.

So, I’m sitting there, drinking, and getting drunker without realizing it. I see him chasing around this same chick that has been staring at me off and on throughout the night. Intuition started misting in, but was thwarted by the alcohol, lol. So, after awhile, I stand up, and immediately realize exactly how much I had been drinking. (Tipsyyyyyy…. Lol) So, I start looking around for him. He’s missing. Then I notice that the random chick was missing as well. To make an even longer story short, they are missing, together. In the basement of the house. Doing things that I don’t even want to think about right now. Like, literally, right below my feet. And everybody knew it.

I was hurt. MAJORLY embarrassed, because everyone knew. And felt completely and totally disrespected. I feel that even if you are not monogamous with someone (which I actually thought we were), it’s such a slap in the face to do something like that to them. I literally felt like someone was carving me open at that moment and smashing my heart to pieces. I can’t think of an appropriate analogy, but yall probably get it anyway.

So, there’s a confrontation (me and him), he denies doing anything, but says that even if he did, that we were not monogamous, so I shouldn’t feel any type of way about it. That we weren’t monogamous so that we both had the freedom to do what we wanted. And later that weekend, we decided to just end things altogether and move on.

I talked to my mother about it afterward, and in between my random bouts of tears, I told her that it hurt so much because I thought that I loved him. I had actually not realized that fact before I said it, but I realized then that it was true. To this day, I am not sure that I loved him, but I know that I was at least falling. And it hurt even more to discover a feeling like that after the irreparable damage had already been done. It’s like in the song “Allure” by Jay-Z:

“Or even the worst pain is the distress
Learnin’ you're the mistress only after that love gets slain
And the anger and the sorrow mixed up leads to mistrust
Now it gets tough to ever love a-gain
But the allure of the game, keeps callin’ your name”

(And the last line of that is the reason that I didn’t just throw in the towel on love and relationships then and there.)

Anyway, the story does not end there, but my lesson did. I have never assumed anything in a relationship since then. It makes me need everything spelled out . I can’t not know what is going on, because I know I catch feelings early. It’s what I do. But for my heart’s sake, I won’t allow myself to act on them without explicit reciprocation.

But for the record, we have since made up, and I even count him among one of my friends. TO this day, we keep in touch fairly consistently. Sometimes I think back and get hurt because he still has not to this day admitted to or acknowledged exactly what happened. But he was there to listen to me when I was going through craziness with a close friend, and I have learned to forgive. Forgetting is a little different, or I wouldn’t even be able to write this. Those were my lessons. And I hope I was an apt student.

Questions and Answers

What's going on, my ppls? Well, I know I am supposed to be blogging about my past relationships, and I shall, but I ran across this survey, and those that know me know that I can't resist a good survey. Or a bad one. Whatever.

Anyway, it's supposed to be a "grown-up" survey. I just like to answer the questions. Here goes!:

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Rent. Life is expensive.

2. Do you miss being a child?
Not a child, no. Undergrad maybe, sometimes. Lol...

3. Chore you hate the most?
Cleaning the bathroom, which I will most likely do after this survey.

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
LMAO.... romantic dinner? SOOOOO long ago. The last romantic dinner I can remember was at The Cheesecake Factory, but it was a really long time ago, lol...

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Well... I wouldn't change anything I did. If I had the power, I would change something that someone else did.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?
Ms. Hanson! :)

7. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Lol... I don't think that this is *that* kind of grown up survey. Lol...

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Successful.

9. How many colleges did you attend?
Techinically, two, I suppose. Soon to be three.

10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
I was being lazy. I'll change it before I do anything significant, lol.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
PLEASE STABILIZE!!! (At a low price.)

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It's Saturday. My alarm? I don't understand...

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Dexter was effin' crazy!

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Angelina Jolie

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
No, thank the Lord!

16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Most definitely!

17. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in. At length.

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Tweety Bird! (for a classic)

20. When did you first start feeling old?
Old? I'll let you know.

21. Favorite lunch meat?
Turkey!

22. What do you get every time you go into Target?
Too damn much.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No, but people don't treat it the way they should anymore.

24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I don't have one that I woulndt want people to find out about.

25. What's your favorite drink?
A very chill Amaretto Sour.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
"The Phiolosopher" (see previous post)

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
I do not listen to the radio. My iPod is plugged into it.

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Grey's Anatomy

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Lol, this is going to sound bad, but forgiveness. I could have saved years of trouble and just forgiven later.

30.Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
Lol, I don't even know the set-up. Ask me on Tuesday.

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
Nope, thank God.

32. Last book you finished reading?
Beautiful Disaster

33. Do you have a teddy bear?
Yes, she is a product of Build-A-Bear, and her name is Delta. Lol.

34. Do you go to church?
I do, but I haven't in awhile. I do intend to rectify that though.

35. How old are you?
22, almost 23... dang...

The Philosopher

Hey all! I am sitting on my bed, listening “Journey to the Past” by Aaliyah (R.I.P.) off of the Anastasia soundtrack, and reminiscing on the relationships of my past. I have had three that have kind of shaped my thinking about relationships, and boundaries, love, friendship, etcetera. I’m going to write about all three (separately), and hopefully my lessons will either help someone, or my feelings will resonate with someone to let them know that they are not alone in whatever feeling they may have.

My first significant relationship began right before my graduation from high school. Yeah, I got started kind of late. I had been in a few relationships before that, but in terms of the ones that have had a significant impact on my thoughts, this is where my story begins. As for details, I will be as vague as possible to protect people (myself included), but these people would recognize themselves; I’m sure of it. Anyway, we will call this one “The Philosopher.”

The Philosopher was a year behind me in school, but older than me, due to the fact that I had skipped a grade much earlier in my academic career. We had participated in the same extracurricular activity for awhile when I started to think that maybe there was a little more to what I was feeling for this person. So, while on a 4- or 5-day field trip for this extracurricular activity, I began to drop hints that I was interested, and honestly, I could not tell if they were being reciprocated. Then, one night, all of us on that field trip began talking about love, and the benefits of logic or emotion prevailing in situations of love (yeah, we were those kids, LMAO). By now, I’m sure you all know that I was on emotion’s side for this particular argument. And, as no real surprise to me, The Philosopher was heavily on the side of logic. He stated that emotion equaled irrationality, and the world would be so much better if people could think logically about their endeavors.

The two of us stayed up as the others began dropping like flies, and debated for quite some time. I didn’t like what he was saying because I thought it was an obstacle for us, but I kept falling deeper because of his eloquence, his thoughtfulness, and his conviction. As we got up from that discussion to get to bed, our eyes met and I swear my breath caught. I was a romantic even at 16 years old. J I went to my room, and he went to his.

As I was getting ready for bed, the phone in my room rang. Not wanting my roommates to wake up, I answered quickly, and The Philosopher was on the line. I asked him what was going on, and his simple answer was “Being emotional and irrational.” And he had me.

Our relationship was brief. The thing that attracted me to him was the same thing that I was not ready for. He was truly a philosopher at heart. Most of our conversations were spent debating philosophic issues, and for the most part, I didn’t mind. But I also wanted something a little more mainstream. Also, I was going to college the next year, and he would still be in high school for another year. And although I was actually staying in the same city for college, my 16 year old mind was not ready to bring such an intense relationship with me. I felt that he put me on a pedestal, and that I could not do much wrong in his eyes, and I also knew that I did not want to disappoint him.

So, I ended it. I don’t think that he ever understood that it probably hurt me just as much as it hurt him. And, from what I can gather, he was pretty hurt. I cried for hours after I did it. I never knew that breaking up with someone could cause so much pain. I think that even back then, six years ago, I understood that I was ending something that in time, I would come to crave. Right now, I would love to have someone that understood me like he did. That I could talk to about such a multitude of things. He is one of the people that I have grown apart from since high school that I actually miss. But he taught me that there are men out there that value the right things, and that will care about me the way that I deserve. He is one of the reasons that I still have that faith. He held me accountable for my thoughts and actions, and any incongruities that existed between the two.

If we were to be together now, I am sure that I would love him. I’m not saying it was all perfect. We both could have been a little more realistic. But he will always be, for me, the one that kind of got away. He was right for me, but not right for me at the time. I forever have The Philosopher to thank for my faith in the male species, haha. I wish I could know for sure that he is going to read this, but on the off chance that he does, I hope he feels better knowing what has taken me 6 years to verbalize correctly.

Dexter

Sooooo.... my linesister is obsessed with certain television shows, and Dexter is one of them. So, if anyone does not know, without telling you everything, Dexter is a vigilante serial killer. So now I am sitting here, semi-weirded out, watching this man murder people. I don't do horror/thriller/crazy shit. My imagination is too vivid, and I will see crazy ass people at every turn, in every shadow. So great. Thanks a lot, Ms. West.

Anticipating Ready

Hello all!

I am not a big celebrity follower. Even on twitter, I follow the ones that I respect/am interested in, without, in my opinion, going overboard. One of the artists that I like is Trey Songz. He is the only celebrity whose blog I follow, and I think that he is talented and creative. I have enjoyed his music in the past, and I DEFINITELY enjoyed his recent mixtape, Anticipation.

I think it was all I listened to in my car for the week after it came out. So, here is my plug for Trey Songz. And check out his blog, it's on my blog list: See Further Than I Am. :)

Tonight

Sheets rumpled and in disarray,
Wrinkled and sharply creased,
The result of frequent and unrestrained
Movement.

Bare skin on 300 thread count cotton,
Shiny and wet with perspiration,
Heat and strong desire lead to
Restless agitations in the sticky humidity.

Hands rush through hair and
Then grab at air and feet are
Kicking the pillows off of the bed,
Adding to the malcontented atmosphere.

Tossing and turning and
Frustration cohabitating with need,
Feelings of sharp lust bring forth the question:
Why am I alone?

Ancestral Hurricane

Raindrops pelted the window
Of the abandoned shack
Like bullets,
As though they wanted
To penetrate the glass
To escape the night.

Trees leaned to the right,
Threatening to pull up
Their roots
Like cargo traveling
The Middle Passage.

The winds traveled at lightning speed
Through the air,
Creating howls to mimic
The wolves that it has sent
Scampering for cover.

Shadows of restless foliage
Are the only movement detected;
Results of the moon shining
The sun’s borrowed light onto
This strange battlefield of
Cold and warm fronts.

The inhabitants of this
Worn place lie in wait
Of the end of the storm;
They wait for the proverbial rainbow
After the 40 days and nights of
Despair.

Or 400 years of oppression.

The Consequences of Words/Th1rteen R3asons Why

Ok.

I'm back again. After I ended the previous post, I decided to give the series a rest (and I didn't have the next books in the series yet, haha), so I started a book called Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. This is another book that I picked up in the "Teen" section, and I am happy that I did. I will not run down the plot here because I really believe that everybody should read it. But this post is indeed inspired by it.

Do you ever think about how your words might affect someone else? Sometimes I think we say things without really thinking about the consequences. I mean, there are self-proclaimed assholes out there who speak and do not care who they affect. They think everyone should be as thick-skinned as they are. And really, it's an isolated incident, so it shouldn't really matter.

But what if the person that you are talking about/to/through, etc. or making fun of, or simply blatantly disregarding is going through so much that your comment is just one in many? Your action adds to the afflictions they already feel... Your words can truly make a difference in how a person feels about themselves. And you might think that's weak minded, or being overly sensitive, but who are you to tell them how they should feel? That being said, noone should be able to tell you how to express yourself. Just be ready for the consequences.

Oh yeah... And read the book...

Unusual Must-Reads!

Ok all,

I love to read. Since I have been working, I have significantly slowed down how much I read, but I probably get in about a book a week, not counting the books I read online while procrastinating (don't judge me, lol). So, this is basically a book recommendation post.

For those that don't know, I am in my early twenties, but I also have a 16-year-old sister that is truly one of my best friends. We have similar tastes in a lot of things, and books are at the top of the list. That being said, she reads a lot of books that seem old for her, and I read plenty that you can generally only find in the "Teen" section of the bookstore. And that section, my friends, is where these recommendations come from today.

Don't turn your nose up just yet. Technically, if you are a Harry Potter or Twilight fan, you're already on my wavelength. And the series (yes, series) that I have to recommend today are also in the realm of fantasy. Not my usual cup of tea, but these stories.... are just really very good.

So the first up is the Mortal Instruments series. The books are City of Bones, City of Ashes, and City of Glass. I am just abou

t to start the last, but the themes of sacrifice, loyalty, friendship, and family have blazed throughout the first two books. These are the same themes that attracted me so strongly to the Harry Potter and Twilight words, and they are clearly prevalent in this series. Just... read the books.

Ok, so the next series is also truly amazing, and I'm not sure when it will be over... There are two books out right now Gone and Hunger. In general, the books are about what happens when in a certain area, all people over the age of 15 disappear. Really, all of the themes I mentioned before run rampant in these books, as well as powerful group-think, and some really, really dark tones like extreme sadism and psychopathy. But the story is so intricately spun, and the images powerfully gripping, intensely beautiful, and at times, horrifyingly offensive and realistic (in a fantasy-realism kind of way) that I really cannot put the books down once I pick them up. Beware though: these are Harry Potter sized books. Mortal Instruments books are not too long, but these are very long. But also very much worth the time investment. Pick them up. Read them. You won't regret it.

Giving Back... City Year and Education

Hello all!

Ok, so those that know me know that I am about embark on something that truly means a lot to me. I will be participating in a program called City Year, and I will be doing so in my hometown of Washington, D.C. I feel soooo blessed to have been accepted into this program, and I feel like I will be taking a huge step in my "quest" (lol, such a cheesy word) to be a better person and give back to the community that guided me along to becoming the person that I am right now.

(BTW: If you are interested in giving back to the community, and I mean you feel as though you are not worth the space you take up if you do not give back in some way, check out cityyear.org. It's a challenge, but I can't think of many things that are more worth the effort.)

So, this kind of ties into my last post about being an "empath." I feel like I can't hear a sad story without being saddened, and other people's joy makes me really happy. This is one of the main reasons why I feel it is so important to participate in public service. I do not understand why people think that service is an optional thing. Most of us would not be in our positions in life if SOMEONE hadn't been on the lookout, even if it was family. How does someone become so self-absorbed and cold-hearted that they can hear about injustice and inequality happening in their neighborhoods and others, and not feel compelled to at least TRY to help out? It is a concept that I really do not understand.

I was lucky to get an extremely good education throughout my educational career. And I do not say that to pat myself on the back, or put myself above anyone. I know that there are people who had better educations than myself. Regardless, when I was younger, I was generally seen as an exception, and not a part of the rule. And even back then that struck me as harsh, if not completely unacceptable.

In my lifetime, I have come to think that education, if administered correctly, is in fact a "great equalizer." And I have decided to dedicate my life to lessening, if not complete eradicating the inequalities in education in the US as they stand right now. And I am taking a really big leap toward that with City Year.

I am SO excited to be moving back to the DC area and doing service that I can barely sit still. Hopefully everyone finds something that excites them so much, and they will use that to give back to their communities as well. What excites/motivates you?

I think that it if we actually had super powers, I would be an empath. It's not an active power, but I already feel the world's pain all the time.

My Pensieve (for the HP fans out there...)

Welcome one and all to one of my few small spaces on this world wide web. Basically this blog is for me to work out all of the craziness that goes on in my head on a semi-regular basis. If you enjoy the read, great. Leave a comment. Be interactive. If not, that's fine too. No love lost. :)

Anyway, I think a lot, and sometimes I need an outlet for those thoughts. As for the name IntenseEntropy... I used to be a Chem major, so when I think of chaos and disorder (two concepts that describe my inner state of mind), entropy is not far behind. As the descriptive blurb states, entropy is the measure of the level of chaos in a given system (in extreme layman's terms). And that disorder is going to be exhibited here in my thoughts.

Topics range from my life, to my observations, to politics, to poetry, to prose, to... you get the drift. 100% me.